A slap on the face

These last few weeks had been quite hectic and a little bit tiring. What's with the scorching hot weather, and of course having to ganti puasa yang selama sebulan itu. Huk huk.. Needless to say, it's draining my energy. What's with having to keep up with work, kerja di rumah lagi, menjaga the two, I mean three boys lagi, adalah sangat-sangat memenatkan.. Saya bukanlah seorang supermom. Saya cuma seorang insan yang lemah. (perlu tambah 'lagi hina' tak kat belakang?)

There were times when I even almost gave up on breastfeeding Nafiz because it's too tiring! (or maybe it's just syaitonnnn yang berbisik di telingaku ketika itu). But yeah, that was how disturbed I was (sila rujuk entri saya 'Serba Salah' sebelum ini).

Luckily, I got a slap on the face in a form of an advice from a dear friend (disclaimer: she didn't slap me literally). Kata beliau,

To me, what came to you while you were writing that entry (the Serba Salah entry) is another bisikan nafsu and syaitan (if you knew her, you would have to read this in her form of voice, which is very soothing and very motherly). I would suggest that you try as far as you can to give the best food for your precious babies. They are in fact the greatest gift from the one we love and amanah to uphold (my eyes were already watery when I read this. but wait, there's more.) I know you can. I know deep down, you want to continue bf-ing (ok control nangis, control control~~). Every susah payah ibu menyusukan anak dgn niat untuk mendapat keredhaan Allah sangat besar ganjarannya. Lebih baik dari segala kebaikan di dunia. (baiklah, saya sudah menangis ketika ini. Terasa sungguh insaf dan selfish diriku). Allah dengar your keluh kesah. Allah knows it's hard. but Allah won't give you this trial unless He knew you can handle it dear.. (air mata terus mengalir deras). I didn't think you are selfish at all when reading your post.. You are just being a human. I pray for Allah to continue give all working mothers who have to work the strength and guidance all the way. Xoxo (Yes, ada xoxo di hujung)

Dan saya masih menangis setiap kali membaca nasihat beliau. Kerana... Well simply because it's not easy. Lain orang, lain dugaannya. and for me, it is hard. But like she said, "Allah knows it's hard. Allah dengar your keluh kesah."

Ya Allah, forgive me for being selfish. and forgive me for giving the chance for syaitan to implement all these crazy ideas in my head. Semoga saya sentiasa berada di jalan yang benar. Thank you Allah for sending me a great friend.

Terima kasih Amelia Wong. You never knew how your words affected me. I love you to the moon and back! Xoxo ;)


P/s: Alhamdulillah, I am still breastfeeding nafiz. He's one year plus now. And I no longer feel that breastfeeding him is holding me down. Niat sudah berubah, anjakan paradigma sudah berlaku (anjakan paradigma I tell you! huhu).. May I stay in the correct path. Oh Allah, give me guidance....

Serba Salah

I'm at this point of life where conscience and circumstances collided, leaving me at a very not-so-comfy place. And what circumstances might that be? Well, as a working mother, sometimes there are things that needed to be done that requires full concentration and commitment, in which there are no room for a nursing mother like me. Well, do you see where I'm going now?

Then again, of course conscience kicked in. My son deserves the right to be breastfed till he's two years old. But here I am, thinking of weaning him off when he's only reaching one. Not that my milk is dwindling. I'm still doing ok walaupun stok dah berkurangan. Tapi takpe, shaklee kan ada. Eh sempat terpromo pulak. But yeah, I'm finding it more and more difficult to stay committed to all the pumping hours and late night feedings. Terase diri sangat penat dan tak bermaya dan muka pun jadi sememeh semacam je sebab selalu tak cukup tidur. Tapi rasa bersalah berfikiran begitu. Terase seperti selfish pula, walaupun shaklee ada. Ok lawak hambar, sorry.

So, maybe I'm writing here to ease my conscience. That maybe, maybe, there are other moms out there who felt the same? and how do I deal with these conscience? I felt that it is high time for me to start concentrating on my career since I've been putting it on hold for my babies all these while. Is that selfish of me? Goshhhh, what's with all these guilt?? Susah jugak menjadi orang baik ni. Eh?

Tolonglahhhh motherss di luar sanerrrr!! How do you deal with these feelings??

Nawfal oh Nawfal

Of the two boys, nawfal is the one with more drama. Penuh emosi budak itu.. Every word coming from him adalah disertakan dengan tonasi yg begitu clear. Kalau dia marah, dengan muka sekali berkerut-kerut sambil mata menjeling dgn tajam. Yup, that's my boy. Which brings me to my story today. Kisah ini berlaku semalam.

Nawfal: Mama, ngok ni! Sepah! *sambil menunjuk kepada kotak-kotak biskut dan jajan-jajan yang bertaburan di atas lantai dapur.

Me: Oh no! Siapa buat ni? *dengan ekspresi penuh drama juga

Nawfal: Adik wat! *sambil menuding jari pada Nafiz

Me: Oh no adik! Boleh nawfal tolong mama kemas?

Nawfal: Boleh! *lantas berlalu ke arah kesepahan

Me: Terima kasih nawfal!

Namun begitu, beliau telah terlupa untuk mengemas kesepahan tersebut kerana sewaktu mengemas, beliau terjumpa coklat wafer, lantas meminta ai untuk membukakkan wafer tu utk dia, and all thoughts of mengemas has gone down the drain. Takpelah nawfal, nanti mama kemas yer.. Huhu..

But anyway, it is such a joy to see him grow up, knowing that you are a huge influence in his life. Often I hear him use the words I use, with the exact tone I used when I uttered the word. Oh yes, he is now in that 'spongy' state, where he absorbed everything around him and mimicked almost everything.

So mommies, careful with your words. Your child might be using it ;)

Kembali menenen

Alhamdulillah, nafiz sudah kembali nenen seperti biase.. I do believe beliau merajuk aritu sebab I pernah marah dia menggigit-gigit masa nenen. Eh tapi baby kecik macam tu dah pandai merajuk ke? Kemaennnn sentap kan?? (Bercakap sambil mengelak dari tengok cermin)

Eh tapi mungkin jugak sbb beliau nak tumbuh gigi tu kan? Mungkinkah? Sebab rasenye gigi bawah dia tu macam dua sekali nak keluar. Hmmm adakah kerana itu? Misteri sungguh...

Whatever it is, i'm still relieved sbb beliau dah kembali nenen seperti biase. I'm just not ready to wean  him off just yet... At least tunggu sampai apish setahun k...

By the way, I'm stuck tengah menunggu turn dkt klinik kesihatan for my injection depo. You know, injection hormone utk jarakkan anak tu.. Yang tak bestnye bila dah inject ni, berat badan susah nak turun! Uwaaaaaa!! Dulu lepas bersalinkan nawfal, in 9 months time saya sudah kurus, lebih kurus dari sebelum bersalin. Tapi dengan nafiz ni, dah lebih 10 bulan, jangankan turun, makin naik ada larr!!! Uwaaaaaa!!! Nangessssss!!!

So acaner nak kurus nihhh....??? Acanerrr acanerrrrr??!!!!

Takmo nenen!

Huhu.. Tidak, tidak, bukan laki ai yg berkata begitu (eh???), sebaliknya ini kisah Nafiz malam tadi. And the night before that actually..

Alkisahnye nafiz ni bukan jenis yg whining type (yang suka whining adalah nawfal). Selalu kalau Nafiz nangis, there's always bcoz there's something wrong. Most of the time adalah kalau dia nak nenen. Selain dari itu beliau akan merengek kalau berak mintak dibasuh. Other than that, nafiz tidak merengek. Jadi malam tadi, like always bila dia merengek, I pun sumbat la nenen. But guess what? Beliau palingkan muka from the nenen dan terus bergolek away from me. Selalunya nafiz ni kalau sumbat nenen, tak pernah refuse. (well, tengok badan lah kan). Sekali malam tadi dia refuse. Bukan sekali dua, ada la lima enam kali gak jadi gitu. He just simply refused to open up his mouth dan terus bergolek away from me.

Mula-mula tu I was really worried, then lama-lama jadi marah pulak. Aku dahlah penat, ngantuk, dia ngada-ngada tak nak nenen pastu rengek-rengek pulak. EEEEeee rase nak picit-picit je budak tu sebab geram. But deep down in my heart, I'm really worried and sad actually.. My baby is turning away from me... Wuuuu wuuuu wuuuu~~ tibe-tibe terase nak jadi emo pulak.

Sudahnya malam tadi terpaksa pam susu dan bagi dia minum susu dalam botol jer.. Bila dia dapat botol tu, kejap jer terus tido. Hmm hmm... Adakah beliau lebih prefer minum botol? hmm hmmm... payahlah kalau gini... Ke sebab nak tumbuh gigi tu mulut dia sakit ke acaner? Ke sebenarnye beliau merajuk sebab sebelum tu I marah dia gigit-gigit masa nenen? Hmm hmm... Inilah dugaannye with babies. They can't tell us what's wrong. It's up to us to figure out what's happening to them.

Ya Allah, berikan aku petunjuk.. Permudahkanlah perjalananku untuk menyusukan bayiku..

Sudah ada gigi!

Yeah, yeah, I know it's late, but Nafiz has finally tumbuh gigi!!! Weeehuuuuu!! At 10 months old, baru kuar gigi! Apa larr apish.. penat mama tunggu.. Agaknye sebab tu la dia duk demam itu hari. Nak tumbuh gigi ropanya... Ish, tapi ngeri jugak bila dia dah ada gigi nih.. Jangan gigit-gigit mama masa menyusu tau Nafiz.. Mama gigit Apish nanti! Aumm!

By the way, cakap pasal gigit-gigit nih, tiba-tiba teringat hari tu kena gigit dengan nawfal. Dia gigit dekat tangan dengan sangat kuat, that it still hurts to move my fingers sometimes. Tak tau lah kot ada nerves that he hit, tapi adalah super sakit. hukhukhuk.. Nawfal nawfal...

Speaking of which, tanpa disedari nawfal telah membesar dengan agak pesat. Baju dia dah banyak yang sendat dan singkat. Kesian pulak nengok nye kadang-kadang.. Nasib koranglah dapat mak pak kedekut.. Kikiki.. You can't choose your parents.Sorry Apal dan Apish :D (sorry, tapi emoticon tidak menunjukkan emosi yang sedih. hihihi). Tiba-tiba terngiang kata-kata suami, "Mak nye bukan main bergaya, tudung macam-macam style, baju macam-macam fesyen, tapi anak-anak selebet jer..." Errr errr errr... *kriikkkk krikkk krikkkk...

So, kena mintak dana khas untuk beli baju-baju anak ke acaner ni suami? heee heee :D

My 'helper'

Yes, my eyes still hurt! Can you believe it? Dah almost 2 weeks hokehh? Sobbsss... Tadi pagi bangun rase macam mata super perit dan tak larat bukak. Makanye terus ke klinik dan doc bagi 2 hari mc. Weehuuuu!! Tapi bukan boleh buat apa pun sbb mata perit nak bukak. Huhu..

Rase-rasenye mata tak elok-elok ni sebab tak berapa cukup rehat kot.. Almaklumlah, malam-malam selalu kena bangun susukan nafiz. Dan sekarang ni lagi teruk, coz he is not well. Batuk, selsema dan temperature pun naik kadang-kadang. Sian nafiz. Yang lagi kesian tu, malam-malam dia tak berapa boleh tido lena sebab asik terbatuk pastu termuntah. Sian sangat... Tapi alhamdulillah, doc kata lung dia masih clear. Ingatkan duk kena neb ker..

So far, alhamdulillah... Rasenye macam immune system nafiz lagi kuat dari immune system nawfal masa baby dulu. Nak kata sebab apa, I'm not quite sure. Tapi rasenye beza masa nafiz dan nawfal, setelah di-analyze, bezanya adalah masa nafiz ni I started to take shaklee supplement. I took the whole breastfeeding set. And I think, maybe that contributed to betterment of my immune system, which of course goes to the milk. And yes, alhamdulillah, nafiz is 10 months old now and he is still fully breastfed, belum campur formula lagi. Alhamdulillah, syukur.... I think I have shaklee to thank for. Dan op kos mekasih kak am kerana memperkenalkan shaklee kepada saya.. Mekasih, muah muahh muahhh!

There were times when I doubt whether I could continue to bf Nafiz. Sebabnye there were times yang stok susu adalah sikit, dan saya sangat-sangat worried. Especially sbb nafiz ni banyak minum susu. Everyday I have to supply 5 x 3.5oz of milk for his daily needs at the nursery (about 500ml). Nawfal dulu 4 botol je. Nafiz ni lima! Fuhhhh stress woooo!! Tapi alhamdulillah, tiap-tiap kali bila susu mula merudum, I will take my shaklee supplements, dan susu kembali flowy dgn lancar (forgive my french), alhamdulillah, syukur.... Of course, kita takleh la rely pada supplements semata. We have to usaha as well. Kena banyak minum air, makan takleh tinggal, dan kena kerap pam susu.
InsyaAllah, kalau niat kita baik, Allah akan buka kan jalan. Just usaha, stay positive and tawakal.

Bukan mudah untuk ibu bekerja meneruskan penyusuan susu ibu.. But we have to try our best kan?Selagi termampu, insyaAllah akan diteruskan..

So this is my little secret of success. Care to share yours? ;)

P/s: psssttttt... Agent shaklee saya, juga merangkap kawan seopis saya, yg merupakan seorang pharmacist, iaitu kak am adalah sangat best! Selalu bagi konsultasi percuma dan berterusan kepada diriku yg sedikit kebengongan ini. Hehe.. Nak contact dia, boleh sms/whatsapp 019-3342654.


Disclaimer: entry ini tidak dibayar. Cuma mungkin boleh suh kak am buatkan nasik ayam utk iolz. Eh? :p

Sakit mata!!

Juz got back from PD yesterday. Actually we just went for the weekend je. It was ok, nyampah sebab mata ku masih sepet. It even hurts to open them! Yes, 'them'. Both my eyes sudah sakit sekarang. Ni semua salah Apish! eh?

By the way, berholiday with two small kids proved to be quite challenging. Especially if it's just you, hubby and them. Apa yg challenging nyer? Well, cer pikir cemana kitorang nak makan? Me handling Nafiz, yang semenjak dah active merangkak ni memang susah nak duk diam; yang hubby pulak have to handle nawfal, yang sokmo asik nak berlarian jer.. So sorang duk struggling trying to hold a baby still, yang lagi sorang kena jadi runner mengejar anak. Ater, cemaner nak makan? Cer kabo ke yop?

Maka kerana itulah, saya sebenarnye lebih prefer duduk di rumah sahaja kalau kena handle bebudak nih. Sebab kalau kuar, it could induce our stress level up to the max. Especially if there's no help. With help, I mean orang lain yg tolong pegangkan nafiz ke, tolong tengokkan nawfal ker while we eat. Huhu.. It might sound ridiculous or selfish even, but if you were in our shoes, haaaaa merasalah korang!

By the way, today is not quite a good day for us. I mean, syukur masih hidup and all, tapi malam tadi nafiz kena high fever. Lepas makan ubat dah ok, tapi takut naik balik nanti.. Nafiz, please be ok... Risau betul bila bebudak kecik kena high fever nih.. Si nawfal pulak, ear infection. Nanah kuar dari telinga dia. Tadi hubs bawak dia pegi ENT specialist, hope he's ok.. and of coz mataku yg sakit ini juga merupakan contributing factor kepada 'not-so-good' day. dan of coz, it's monday.

All in all, ya Allah, peliharalah keluargaku.. Semoga suami diberi ketabahan dan kesabaran menjaga kami semua. Love you hubss!

Rashes!

Malam tadi tengok badan nafiz was full of rashes. Tak sure sebab apa. My initial thought was "alamak, measles ke nih?" Dahlah dah a few days badan dia macam panas-panas demam. Tapi tak high fever lah. So macam duk risau. Macam ni ke measles? Tapi bila tanya pada my sis, katanya kalau measles, disertai dgn high fever. Tapi fever nafiz idak ler high so far.. Makanya, for confirmation, balik opis nanti haruslah membawa beliau ke klinik.

Kesian nafiz, baru je elok sakit mata, now this. The worst part is, sakit mata beliau itu menjangkit pada mamanya. Yes, me!!! Dah dapat 2 hari mc, kelmarin dan semalam. Hari ni datang jugaklah kerja. Sambil memakai spek dummy yg tiada power. huhuhu.. Sungguh tidak bergaya hokehhh!! :p

By the way, rashes nafiz mungkinkah disebabkan I suap dia makan telur rebus semalam? or maybe sebab cuaca yg panas? Hmmm hmmm.... Nafiz tu bila tido, memang baju dia selalu lenjun dgn peluh. Memang sangat kuat berpeluh budak itu! Ater, tengoklah saiznyer, yer dak? At almost 10 months old, he weighed 8.9kg. Dia lagi berat dari si abang dulu..

Nawfal on the other hand, sekarang ni entah naper asik bangun pukul 3, 4 pagi. Pastu ajak orang tengok tv lah, bukak fridge lah, etc. Kengkadang tu mmg terus bangun sampai lah waktu utk beliau ke nursery. Semalam, dalam keta on the way gi nursery tu dia tido. Mana taknye, bangun pukul 4 pagi! Haiyoh nawfal.....

Suffice to say, journey membesarkan anak ni bukanlah sesuatu yang mudah. Sokongan dari suami itu adalah sangat penting. I don't know how the single mothers do it, but it mustn't be easy.. Salute to all mothers!

Kepala Pusing-pusing

Yet another post, woohooo! Jangan hangat-hangat taik ayam okeh? (note to self)

Last night I woke up at 3 a. m. Asalnye sbb nak susukan nafiz. tapi pehtu tengok dia gelisah je macam takleh  tido, maka ku salinkanlah nappy beliau. Lepas tu baru dia tido lena. Pheww lega! Ingatkan nak sambung tido, tibe2 baru teringat iolz belum solat Isyak. hukhuk.. (Malu nak ngaku, tapi itulah hakikatnyer..). Maka bangunlah menunaikan kewajipan dahulu (kul 3 pagi. huhu...)

Lepas tu ingat nak sambung tido, tapi teringat pulak baju keje esok belum gosok lagi. Dah pilih-pilih baju (dan tudung), tibe-tibe teringat nak posa esok dan haruslah bangun sahur jap gi. Makanye, postpone dulu niat nak gosok baju. Gosok lepas sahur nanti lah, kata ku di dalam hati..

Nak dijadikan cerita, dah kul 5 tu si nawfal dah terbangun lah pulak... Dia rengek2 mintak susu, ayah dia buat kan.. (penjelasan: nawfal minum susu formula. Maka ayah dia tolong bancuhkan. Bukan nawfal bernenenkan ayah yer... Harap maklum). Lepas tu, dia mintak "nak ngok wi" (nak tengok tv) la pulak.. Maka ayah dia switch on kan tv dan kemudian ayah sambung tido. Yang si nawfal ni bila dia berseorangan, kacau ayah tak layan, maka haruslah mama yang dikacau. Digoncang-goncangnye badan ai suh bangun temankan dia. Dari situ lah bermula nya kepusing-pusingan dalam kepalaku. Akibat tido yang asik terganggu.

Come to think of it, I don't remember when was the last time I had a good slumber sleep. Rasenye sejak pregnantkan nawfal (which is 3 years ago) dulu, since then tak pernah dapat tido lena sampai ke pagi. Sentiasa ada nappy yg perlu disalin, dan ada susu yg perlu dibancuh atau dinenenkan... Well, begitulah kehidupan seorang ibu I guess. (and dads - sometimes)

It's not that I'm complaining.. I'm just sharing.. I bet there are mothers out there who experienced the same thing. So don't despair. You're not alone.

I bet there are also mothers who don't have to experience such things. Blessed those babies who slept well through the night.. (jelessssss!!!!)

The thing that keeps me going is that, I keep telling myself "takpe lah... bersusah-susah dahulu, bersenang-senang kemudian..." In which I hope, very-very hoping, that it will become true. (kalau tak jugak, I so will buy myself an LV. Well, maybe two.)

Kbai. :p

I'm Back!!!

Humang aii... Last post tahun 2011. It's 2013 now, dan saya pun sudah beranak dua. Apa?? Sudah beranak lagi sekali?? Yup, been there, done that ;)

So, yeah... Dua anak. Both boys. My sanity? At a perfectly satisfactory level (at least I think so. heheh). But I must say, it is most definitely challenging. Mempunyai anak yang agak rapat jarak umurnya. Mental kena kuat, fizikal juga. Almaklumlah, boys kan. Asik nak berwrestling jer! *roll eyes*

So nawfal is now 2 years plus, and Nafiz is almost 10 months now. Woohooo! Nafiz masih fully breastfed, alhamdulillah. Nawfal was fully breastfed till he's 13m.o, kemudian dah start bagi formula. Dengan nafiz ni hopefully dapat gak la lebih dari setahun. Almaklum, susu baby bawah setahun mahal (org kedekut memang cenggini :p)

So I've decided to start writing again. (hasil motivasi dari blog suami.) Hopefully tidak hangat2 taik ayam sahaja. Berusahalah mama N!!!

Banyak nak citer nih! tapi nanti2 lah yer... Till we meet again! xoxo! ;)